Girls in Society

I am the mother of two beautiful little girls. From the time we knew Tornado was a girl I knew I wanted to do some things different. I want them to be and do anything. I want them to grow up to be responsible, caring, compassionate adults. 

No where in that did I say beautiful. Nor did I say skinny. Or glamorous. Or feminine. 

As a woman there are pressures from society for certain ideals. Use makeup to be beautiful, run and eat to lose weight, look great in a bikini no matter what, find the perfect clothes for every occasion. Don't dress like a boy unless it is fashionable.

I am going to do my best to change these expectations in my house. We don't talk about weight or fat (this is hard for me). We don't say ugly or beautiful. We don't stress about what we wear and we let her pick her own clothes from her drawer. I don't wear makeup at home.

It has stuck with me for my entire life the first time someone called me fat and said I needed to lose weight. It was someone in my family. They never knew I cried that night. They never knew those words caused me to have a serious eating problem later. I have vowed to never use these words with my children. We talk about healthy food and treats. As they grow up, we will talk about fat, protein, and carbohydrates as nutrients. Not as a body type. 

Little girls don't need us to make them up to be cute. They don't need painted nails, hair done and perfect clothes. They need to be given the chance to be different. To be strong. To be whatever they want to be. They need to be muddy and grimy. They need to wear polka dots on top and stripes on bottom. They need to be diaper naked and have their rolls kissed and nibbled on. If someday they want boy clothes, our girls need us to do that too. 

We won't change the world's expectation of girls. Maybe, though, we can change our expectations. Maybe, we can allow two little girls to be whomever they want to be. By not forcing them to be girly we are allowing them to grow as they choose within some basic rules. We let then explore, don't limit their learning and make life fun. Sometimes, one might grab a knife or run with a screwdriver but for the most part they are safe, happy, and loved. Isn't that more important than beauty, weight, and society? 

Having it all

Whoever said women can have it all must have been on some serious happy pills. That or they found 4 extra hours in a day. When I say this I am referring to a professional career, a spouse, children, and friends. How does someone make all of these a priority and not go insane?

Tonight I heard Tornado list all the people she loves. Mama was last on her list. Behind her daycare provider's husband who she sees occasionally. The Munchkin greatly prefers Daddy put her to sleep. Those two things tell me I am not doing everything I should as a mom. They have amazing people in their lives which I am so greatful for. It still makes me sad that I am missing parts of their life.

I am only working part-time. As a result some of my skills and my confidence had decreased. I have the highest expectations for myself with every case I see and I know I miss things. I also don't spend as much time as I should reading, studying, and keeping up to date with new innovations and technology. This causes worry, maybe I am not doing the best things for my patients. Am I doing everything I cab to be the best doctor I can be.

My husband picks up all of the balls that I drop in the frantic juggle. Laundry, housekeeping, and cooking are all things he does much more than I do. He has a busy job as well but seems to do a much better job of balancing everything. Any alone time we get seems to be spent playing catch up with chores and life details. We are so busy that it is easy to lose touch with one another if we don't work at it.

Life-long friendships and new important friendships aren't to be taken lightly. In order to have these friendships though, it takes time. Where does that time come from? Time with children? Time with husband? Time at work?

Balance is important for life. Finding that balance has to be about priorities. So maybe I don't have time to have it all. What I do have though is pretty amazing and that is really all I need. Sometimes I drop a ball but someone else is there to pick it up. Maybe having it all is exactly that after all.

Time Goes Fast

I cried today. It was the day that I finally got enough strengtg to pack away Munchkin's 3 month clothes. Her pants were slowly creeping up towards her knees and it was time. I was not ready. It seems like I am never ready when the time comes.

As I packed away those tiny clothes, tears poured from me. Those tears are memories being packed into boxes. They are knowing I will pass those clothes along for other babies. They are knowing I likely will never open that box again. They are joy that I am able to watch this person grow and develop. They are fear that I won't always be able to keep her safe. Today those tears were there to remind me how fast time goes.

Those tears reminded me to hold Munchkin a little more. To read extra books to Tornado so I can cuddle her. To wrestle, boing, spin, and bounce Tornado when she asks simply because I can. To stare at Munchkin as she sleeps because soon she won't want to sleep in my arms. Time goes so fast that soon these things will all be in the past.

The tears today were tears that come from having pieces of your heart living outside of you. There will be many more tears in the future, both happy and sad. For today though, all tears are dried and we carry on with joy and laughs.

3 months of love

What an amazing 3 months we have had at this house. Our tiny munchkin is now officially 3 months old and in 10 days Tiny Tornado turns 2. The things that I have learned in the last 3 months are very important and must be remembered forever.

1: Juggling 2 children who squirm in opposite directions is possible and not as difficult as it looks.
2: Tornado will always want to snuggle when I am attempting to pump.
3: Munchkin can handle Tornado snuggling, loving, and squishing her.
4: Tornado thinks every diaper is poopy and tells us just in case we weren't aware.
5: Toddlers may not need naps but their parents do.
6: Childproof doorknobs are amazing!
7: Laundry quadruples in amount with the addition of one tiny baby.
8: Baby floor gyms make great blanket forts for toddlers and their parents.
9: Wallykazam is a great TV show.
10: How much love can fill a little house!

There are days I look around our house at the end of the day and I get very frustrated. There is usually a bit of a mess from a Tornado, Munchkin blankets and bottles everywhere and a bit of dog hair. Then I think about why the blocks form a train in the living room, 8 blankets are on the baby mat, the crayons are in the dog bowl, 6 sippy cups are scattered about, baby bottles are piled in the sink, and the toy boxes are up ended. It is because we played choo choo train with the blocks, built a fort while pretending to be ghosts, emptied the crayon bag out to have me wear it as a hat, were searching for a specific ball to play catch, and needed milk, water, and orange juice to drink. Instead of cleaning, I snuggled Munchkin, nibbled on her little legs, and we all did tummy time together. We talked to her bugs, read a dozen stories and helped Tornado learn to get her own water.

Tonight I got it all cleaned up before I climbed in my bed. Each toy and area of destruction makes me smile. Memories were made today and that makes for a great day.

The risk of being a veterinarian

When I became a veterinarian, I only knew that this was something I had worked for and been going to school for years to do. I knew that I wanted to help animals and that I could do this job and make it a career and passion. What I didn't know was the toll that it would take. It takes pieces of your heart and sometimes causes you to lose hope and purpose. This is why veterinarians have one of the highest suicide rates of any profession. There are few other professions where you are responsible for lives that are innocent and reliant on your decisions with little input. Few professions have to make life and death decisions with what may end up being incomplete information. All of these factors cause a large amount of stress. 

This stress is added to because we have someone's family member that we are responsible for. We not only have to take care of the pet but also their owners. For many veterinarians this part is more stressful than the medicine. We have all dealt with sad owners, angry owners, and owners without the financial means to help their pet. The hardest situations are the mean, abusive owners. We have all had them and often nothing we could have done or want to do will change their opinion. These are the owners that post abusive comments on social media and verbally attack us. These attacks are heartbreaking. The ones that say we are only vets for the money and we don't care about pets are upsetting. The ones that say we enjoy killing pets are disturbing. I have seen them all and know that I can't change their minds and can only do my best work daily. That doesn't mean that I don't carry them with me every day and question whether I gave everything I had for that person in that moment.

Many veterinarians are also very hard on themselves. We tend to be high-functioning, highly dedicated, highly educated people who as a group expect only the best of ourselves every day. When a case goes wrong, we lose a patient, or we aren't given the means to do what needs done we can become extremely frustrated. Frustrated with ourselves, with the world, and with the profession. All of this frustration combined with stress can become a catalyst for extreme behavior. Unless we learn to talk about what is happening we are at huge risk.

Recently we have dealt with several high-profile suicided within the profession. These incidents are extremely concerning. If the people who are at the forefront of the profession can't handle the stress how are those in the trenches everyday suppose to handle it? 

I don't have the answers for everyone. I only know what is my saving grace. I know that on those days when the job seems extremely heavy and unbearable I cry. I give myself my 30 minute drive home to feel sorry for what happened that day. I might cry, I might scream, I might turn the radio up loud and drive fast. When I walk in the door, I look into the eyes of my tiny tornado and smile. I listen to her laugh and let it heal my heart. I hug my husband and maybe hold him a little tighter than normal. I play peek-a-boo with the curtains and sing Itsy Bitsy Spider. All of those things take away some of the pain and stress. They also remind me of the most important things in my life. The things that I live for outside of work.

There are still days that I want to walk away from this job. There are days when I know that if I see another euthanasia I will not be able to stop crying. I keep all the cards and gifts I have received from clients over the years and I pull them out to read them when I need a reminder that I did something right one time. I try to remember the cases that I helped save a life that matters to someone. Without those cases I would have burned out long-ago. Even now, I only work part-time for numerous reasons including the stress and most likely will not work full-time again for a long, long time if ever.

If you are a veterinarian reading this, please find something in your life that gives you hope, joy and passion. We have lost too many already and I don't want to read more obituaries. If you own pets, please be kind when they need a doctor. As a profession we are doing our best and we all want to work with you and help you. If you have a veterinarian whom you love, send them a thank you note or gift(food is always a plus). We treasure them and use them to help us survive. Remember, you don't know what someone else is carrying in their heart and by being kind you may make a huge difference in someone's day.  

What A Difference A Month Makes

It has been awhile since any of us have written. Between work, school, and life times just slipped by. My part of the family added a new addition a month ago. The Tiny Tornado acquired a little sister who she tells us on a daily basis is her baby. At a month old she hasn't yet earned herself a nickname but I am sure she will work on it.

It had been less than two years since the tornado was a new baby but it is easy to forget things. Things like new babies eat every 2 to 3 hours and don't care what else you have planned. That they don't really enjoy pooping and will tell you all about it as loud as they can. That 2 AM is a great time to have a long discussion about the joys of sleeping that they won't listen to. Things like how fragile they seem in that first moment you hold them. Things like how much you can be in love with someone the very first time you see them. Things like wanting to never let them go and not wanting to share. Even knowing how quickly these moments go and wanting to remember them forever I know I will forget some things. So every day I take a moment to smell her head, kiss her little nose and cherish her voice. Even if that voice is yelling that lunch is 10 minutes late and she has a wet diaper. I guess that is my cue to snuggle again. Oh darn.

Traveling with a Tornado

Tiny Tornado took her first true international trip last week. She has been to Canada a few times but that doesn't really count because it is closer to Canada that to the nearest big town. On this trip though she got her first passport stamp. We were a little anxious about the trip and prepared ourselves for very long flights with a 16 months old wild child. After a long, cold, windy winter though nothing was going to keep us from a week of sun, sand and a pool. 

Our first night we stayed in a hotel so we could catch our crack of dawn flight. Tornado's favorite part of that hotel was definitely the metal horse sculptures on the walls. She saw them and spent 10 minutes just saying neigh, neigh, neigh while pointing at them. Then when she woke up at 4 in the morning to leave she talked to them again while getting ready. They were the greatest distraction from anything else going on around us. 

We had learned from our last trip that it was easiest to have her in her car seat ont he plane and that went amazing!! She slept for the first flight and then played, read and was generally amazing for the second flight. We did let her watch one episode of Mickey Mouse but that was mostly to get us through taxiing and off the plane. Then came the highlight of her life thus far. 

Tornado is a water baby. If she wasn't before this trip she is now. Most of the battles on this trip were over the fact that her parents thought she needed a daily nap and she thought she should be playing in the pool. The first 3 days the only time she cried was because we took her back to the room and wouldn't open the door for her. She just knew that there were people out there to play with her and adore her. The sand and the beach weren't quite the draw that the pool was. She didn't like the sand getting everywhere and the waves were a little intense for her but she still didn't want to leave them. 

The other guests were amazing thank goodness. We are parents to a very opinionated, independent tornado with little fear. Our evenings were spent following her around the plaza from table to table. She loves to smile and talk to people. She also loves to show them her belly button much to her parents' chagrin (we are working on that). Tornado decided one time to visit the band and after we stopped her the singer took her up on stage and danced and sang while holding her. She loved it and waved and smiled at the crowd. Between the people, pool, fountains, and stairs I don't think that she could have asked for a better vacation. 

Finally after 5 days of sun and sand; she was exhausted. The last morning she did not want to play in the pool, she just wanted to sit on the stairs and relax. She took a nap on the way to the airport that was about an hour. Just long enough to give her some energy but not long enough for her to be truly rested.  The next flight was just over 3 hours and was probably the longest stretch of crabbiness we have had from her. We pulled out every trick that we had and survived the flight. The man in front of her was able to nap so she couldn't have been as loud as she seemed. It was the one time that she was allowed to watch 4 episodes of Bubble Guppies in a row with Mickey Mouse added on. We made it through that trial and then she fell sound asleep for the entire last flight. It took a couple days at home before she was well rested and back to her normal happy self. 

The main thing we learned from this trip was just to trust ourselves and our little girl. She is really a happy baby and as long as we let her get some rest she will survive and so will we. The worst that will happen is that she will be fussy on a plane and we can handle that. The best thing is I know that the next flight she takes I get to stay home and she will be traveling with her dad by herself to visit a very important friend. That might be a very interesting trip!!